On November 14th, I turned 43. For my birthday this year, I made a bold choice: I invited the man I love to visit me. Though we hadn’t been in much communication lately, I held on to hope. But I didn't receive a response.
At first, I asked myself, “Why did he do this to me?” and the only thing I experienced was pain. My mind could only play out its old self-defeating trick and conclude that something must be wrong with me. Now I know how false that belief is, but it can feel so real in the moments we are triggered. The mistake is that we confuse the pain we feel as proof that the belief is true. Instead, what’s really happening is that the pain arises because our soul knows we are focusing on something that is absolutely a lie. It pulls us away from our true essence—and that disconnection is what hurts the most.
After all, the deepest longing of my soul is to be in a loving partnership. No matter how much healing and self-introspection I do, I still wonder why this desire seems to elude me. But I also believe that everyone has their own good reasons for the choices they make in life, even if we don’t understand or agree with them. He must have his reasons, too, reasons that I hope one day to have the opportunity to hear and understand.
Trusting that, I then asked myself, “What is the gift in this?” And everything changed. Suddenly, I could see clearly: this situation was teaching me to love myself fully. To truly appreciate who I am, what I value, and what I need.
So, I decided not to let anything stop me from receiving love from the people already in my life. For five days, I celebrated. I spoiled myself with a massage and spa experience. Every night, I had dinner with a different group of friends who love me and openly shared their appreciation for me. I cried and laughed from gratitude and danced my heart out until my feet hurt.
In between, I let myself cry with disappointment. The absence of even a simple birthday message from him stung, and once more, the fear of never finding my person crept in. But this time, I didn’t isolate myself. I asked for help and companionship from my loved ones. I was honest about my feelings and let myself be held in love and support.
Because the truth is, love can’t be forced. There’s a joke I’ve seen in a reel that makes me laugh every time: “Love is like a fart. If you force it, it’s gonna be shit.” As funny as it is, it’s so true. And yet, how often do we try to force things to happen? Have you ever wondered why?
It’s now clear to me: lately, I’ve been trying to avoid feeling the feelings. Not only the pain of this specific disconnection but also the loneliness, fears, and limiting beliefs about love and being loved that have haunted me throughout my life—and were triggered again.
I know I’ve come so far in healing from my childhood wounds. I’m not anywhere near the alienating experience of my teen and young adult years when I hated myself and felt unworthy of love, a time when self-doubt and loneliness defined my world. But the release of such deep-rooted emotions feels like peeling an onion—layer by layer until I can reach the core where peace, love, and trust exist.
And even as I peel back those layers, the inner monsters of fear and limiting beliefs creep back in from time to time—not to harm me, but to make sure I am learning the lessons and remaining true to myself. Because deep inside, I know I don’t want to settle in a relationship. I want true love and partnership. And I’m still discovering what that is, how it looks, and who I need to be to attract that. One thing for sure is that it always takes two people to tango.
Accepting what is and trusting instead of forcing reminds me of my experience with Authentic Movement. When we try to control the process, it blocks anything new from appearing. Insights, releases, or transformations can’t happen when we cling to control. But when we surrender to what is, as simple or uncomfortable as it may be, and allow ourselves to move through the discomfort of not knowing, even as fears and painful emotions emerge, something shifts. We find ourselves being moved. And in that movement, healing happens. Release happens. Transformation happens. For a moment, we are free—free to experience the here and now, the only moment that holds the power to create miracles in our lives.
If this resonates with you, I invite you to join me in an Authentic Movement group or take a moment to explore your own heart.
~ What are the feelings or limiting beliefs you’ve been avoiding?
~ What might shift if you surrendered to your feelings with curiosity and compassion while at the same time making a bold choice to challenge the ‘truth’ of your limiting beliefs and see things differently?
~ What if you are already safe, already loved, and already have everything you need? How would your life and choices change?
~ And if that feels hard to believe just yet, what if it could be true?
Love begins with the courage to move through ourselves first—and together, we can uncover the miracles waiting to be moved within and through us!
warmly,
maria
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