Updated: Dec 12, 2020
There are moments in life that everything you thought about who you are and what really matters in your life, smashes like a broken window…these are moments of deep inner transformation. One more time, since coming back from Argentina, I have been going through a moment like this. I am grateful it is happening, as it is essential for me to be happy, but I still wonder why making conscious old feelings from wounds and patterns that once were necessary to survive but now don’t serve anymore, can be so painful. My only guess is that the ‘I’ we create each time to survive needs to die if we want to reborn and let the real ‘me’ to shine. Letting go of what may have been for years a shield of protection is like falling in an abyss. And falling is scary because there is no-thing to do but trust that after all everything will be ok.
In my falling I have been tapping into the feeling of shame. Shame generated from early childhood experiences and shame inherited from transgenerational wounding, that became conscious in my recent Authentic Movement practice in Argentina.
The experience felt scary and has been expressed with lots of tears but is neither fear, nor sadness that I have been feeling. I could experience the pain of shame that I grew up with. The shame that had not let me to be. The shame that was present, judging every movement, every action, every impulse. The shame for who I was, what I believed in, what I was doing.
They say that shame is one of the emotions that is hard to feel. Now I know why. Because it’s annihilating. Shame is paralyzing internally. Shame erases your existence, producing feelings of unworthiness and creating the need to overcompensate with actions, achievements, movement, possessions in an attempt to construct an identity that may hold your existence but that would never really be enough as long as shame hinders.
Now I know that this shame is not real. I have nothing to be ashamed of. There is no-thing to do about this feeling now, but to feel it, make it conscious in my body and see clearly how this underlying shame has tinted my actions and interactions, how it affects me being with others – my relationships, how it impacts the way of doing things – my choices. Because once conscious, we can make new choises from a wholesome state of being.
So, I do no-thing to just feel, listen, and let go, but still it’s exhausting. Internal processes require a lot of energy. You can’t see the action, but it takes time, tears and energy. It’s falling.
Fortunately, during this emotional upheaval there is also an inner quality that makes it possible to go through this moment feeling secure and being able to keep up with everyday life. This is my ability to be a compassionate witness of the process while it is happening, trusting that my psyche knows the way out to the light.
And the way out happens internally and externally. After letting me feel the pain, joy has come back naturally into my life, feeling a deep love and gratitude for myself and all the people who surround me. Acknowledging what I deserve and validating what I believe in. It is a joy tinted with inner peace and a sense of lightness that inspired me to clean up my room and let go of clothes and possessions from the past, keeping only what brings me joy. And now, I am writing to you from Peru where I visit my loved ones to spend Christmas in family.
These are bags of clothes that I am letting go along with the feeling of shame. Some of them have been with me since 2000! Soon I am going through my books and other stuff too. If you wanna try it I suggest reading the book ¨The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying up¨. It feels really good :)
All this has been a powerful process, still in motion, that I owe to my desire to be true to myself and Authentic Movement has helped me in this process among other practices. Now this is the space, I want to offer to you too for the next year and more to come. Because, as challenging as it may be to become more conscious and feel in the body what waits to be listened to, it’s a process necessary to finally let go of what is not needed anymore and create inner space for life’s true gifts; the possibility every moment to be a step closer to your true self and the ability to enjoy the life you want. Letting our guards to fall is the only way for us to be real and let our souls to ground in our bodies and rise. May 2019 be a year of the inner transformation that you are looking for! warmly, maria
We wish you a Happy New Year, me, my soul sister Karina and my godson Pablo!